The Colonel of the Opera
by Frenchie-chan
Summary: What happens when you make Winry sing in an Opera? What if you put the Elrics in charge of a theatre? Or what if you gave Roy his own Disco Hall, and made Havoc do the Chicken Dance? What happens then? Click to find out. RoyxRiza.
1. Act I

**This was written over the summer as an escape from my infinite boredom. It is a combination of two of my favorite fandoms, _FullMetal Alchemist_ and _Phantom of the Opera. _It was influenced by _PotO in Fifteen Minutes;_ credit and hats off to the person who wrote that. This is my first attempt at writing something homorous; I rarely stray from the dark, dramatic stuff. Be warned, everyone in this fic is extremley OOC, and is coated with a light dusting of crack.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. All Hiromu Arakawa's and Andrew Lloyd Webber's.**

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The Colonel of the Opera

(It is 1905, Paris France. We are inside the dilapidated ruins of The Opera Garnier. For some odd, unknown reason, everything is in black and white. We see The Fürher atop a podium, running an auction. Among the small crowd are Jean Havoc and Madame Pinako. Havoc is very old and confined to a wheelchair, and is accompanied by a nun who appears to be stalking him. We can tell she is a nun because she is wearing a ridiculous hat that looks like a headless swan. We can tell she is a stalker because she is constantly following Havoc around. As for Pinako…well, let's just say that I'm amazed that she's still alive.)

Führer- Ahem… Lot 665, one extremely ugly and slightly creepy monkey atop a music box, wearing ancient Persian Robes and playing the cymbals. It was found in the sewers and unfortunately still works. It smells kinda bad. Fifteen francs, anyone?

Crowd- (gazes in awe at the hideous monkey)

Some Guy- It's so…ugly. I want to give it to my wife! I'm bid!

Another Guy- Twenty francs!

Pinako- Twenty-five!

Havoc- Mmpff!

Flying Stalker Nun- Thirty francs!

Führer- Sold! Sold for thirty francs to the ancient gentleman and his flying nun. Lot 666, a chandelier in a million teeny tiny, ity bity pieces.

Crowd- (gasp)

Edward's Disembodied Voice- WHO DID YOU JUST CALL ITY BITY?!

Führer- Shut up, FullMetal, you're supposed to be dead!

Edward's Disembodied Voice- Oh, right. Sorry.

Some Guy- Why would anyone want a broken chandelier?

Führer- 'Cause it's sparkly!

Crowd- OOOOHH!

Führer- And shiny!

Crowd- AAAAAHH!

Fürher- IT'S THE BROKEN CHANDELIER OF DOOM!

Pinako- …and exposition.

Führer- AND EXPOSITION!!

(The Führer melodramatically switches on The Broken Chandelier of Doom and Exposition, which also seems to be a time machine. We are thrust into 1870, when The Opera House wasn't so dilapidated. In fact, it was actually quite lovely. There are nude gold people on the walls and a gorgeous mural on the ceiling. The Broken Chandelier of Doom and Exposition magically heals itself and rises to the top of the dome. As The Führer said, it is very sparkly and very shiny. For some reason, the color decides to kick in. The theatre is full of people running every which way. The singers are singing, the dancers are dancing, the actors are acting, and the musicians are playing their instruments. Two guys step out of a carriage. One is very short with long blonde hair in a braid and golden eyes, and the other is slightly on the tall side with long (rather perfect) sandy hair in a ponytail with greenish-brownish hazely grayish eyes. The short one has an automail right arm and left leg, but we don't know that yet. Inside, Winry Rockbell is trying to sing. Trying.)

Winry- THEESE TROOOoooOOOOoooOOPHY FROM OUR SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVIORS!

FROM THE ENSLAVING FORCE OF ROOOOOOOOOOOOOME!! (knocks out stagehand with wrench)

Armstrong- (rips off shirt with one swipe)

(Winry exits stage left, with Armstrong close behind. The dancers almost trample the unconscious stagehand. The dancers start dancing, with Rose and Riza playing the two lead dancers, but for some reason, Riza isn't there. The dance is interrupted when the manager enters.)

Manager- Alrighty everyone, I can't bear another minute with that bothersome ghost in this theatre. Therefore, I will retire. Your new managers are Monsieurs Edward and Alphonse Elric, and your new patron is Jean Havoc. Farewell! Goodbye! Au Revior! If you need me, I shall be in Australia!

(The Manager almost skips out, obviously delighted to leave. Edward, Alphonse, and Havoc enter. Edward (the short one) and Havoc (the old guy from 1905, only much younger and not in a wheelchair) are bickering vigorously while Alphonse (the one with greenish-brownish hazely grayish eyes) sort of stands to the side. Havoc is the tallest of the three, with light, straw coloured hair and pale blue eyes. A cigarette with an unearthly amount of ash on the end dangles precariously from his mouth. At this moment, Riza rushes in late, and promptly trips over the unconscious stagehand on the floor.)

Stagehand- OW!

Pinako- Riza!

Rose- Riza!

Armstrong- Winry!

Alphonse- Who's Riza?

Winry- That's Riza!

Rose- Where were you, Riza?

Riza- Me? I was talking to the Phantom/Angel/Colonel in my mirror!

Rose- (blink)

Pinako- (To newcomers) Okay gents, since this is your first time, I'll give you a tour. First of all, The Opera Colonel needs to be paid. Second of all, Edward, you're a shorty, so I'll call you 'shrimp'. Havoc, you're a smoker, which is a nasty habit, so I'll call you 'The Nicotine King'. Alphonse, your hair is entirely too perfect. It is obvious you use extra moisturizing conditioning shampoo and sleep in a hairnet. Therefore, I dub thee 'Fabio'.

Edward- I'M NOT A SHRIMP! I'M 5'8!

Alphonse- No, you're 5'1! And how do you know about my extra moisturizing conditioning shampoo and hairnets?

Edward- He uses a straightening iron, too. His hair is actually really curly. And he- Mmpff!

Alphonse- (Claps hand over Edward's mouth)

--

Winry- Wanna hear me sing?

Havoc- Not particularly.

Winry- Not even a little bit?

Havoc- Not in the slightest.

Winry- (Brandishes wrench)

Havoc/Edward/Alphonse- Alright, alright, we'll listen to you sing!

Stagehand- Not again…

Winry- THIIIIINK OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEE, THINK OF ME FONDLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WHEN WE'VE SAID GOOoooOOOoooDBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEKKK!

Falling Backdrop- (puts everyone out of their misery)

Edward- Oh, thank GOD.

Falling Backdrop- No problem.

Winry- I hate you all! You are so cruel! You never appreciated my genius! (sob)

Alphonse- …What genius?

Winry- I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! Screw you all! (Runs out, sobbing)

Havoc- _Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead! _

Pinako- At last! She's finally gone!

Armstrong- NOOO! Winry, we miss you! Come back!

Winry- (Comes back) …I forgot my beloved wrench.

(crickets)

Winry- picks up wrench Come on, George! Let's leave the people who don't appreciate us!

(Pause)

Pinako- …You _named_ it? You named it _George?!_

Winry- Hmph. Stalks off

(cheers)

Alphonse- Wait. Who's gonna sing tonight? We can't have a gala without a star! Ed, do you wanna sing it?

Edward- I'm not gonna sing in a stupid opera!!

Alphonse- Havoc?

Havoc- I can't sing with a cigarette in my mouth!

Alphonse- Take it out! Surely you can survive two hours without it?!

Havoc- I….I superglued it in.

Alphonse- (eye roll) If no one can sing it, then I guess I'll have to.

Everyone but Alphonse- NOOOOO!

Rose- OOOH, Mr. Managers, Mr. Patron! I know! Riza could sing it!!

Havoc/Edward/Alphonse- What!?

Pinako- What!?

Armstrong- What!?

Riza- What!?

Rose- Yeah! Remember, you said that The Phantom/Angel/Colonel teaches you to sing! And how to use firearms! And-

Riza- Shh!

Alphonse- Well then, by all means, let's hear it. From the beginning of the aria, Miss.

Conductor- I see no such 'aria', sir.

Alphonse- Then from the beginning of the overwritten pop ballad!

(Riza sings the overwritten pop ballad. Very well. Edward and Alphonse are amazed by her voice, and Havoc finally recognizes her as Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, one of his subordinates. Winry is jealous of Riza. Very jealous. Armstrong continues to obsess over his "perfect" figure.)

Rose- Oh Riza, you're such a good singer! Where did you get such a great voice!?

Riza- eBay.

(Riza goes to her dressing room. It is very ornate with bouquets of flowers everywhere, and a very large mirror in the back. At this moment, Havoc walks in carrying champagne.)

Havoc- Howdy, Riza! Or should I say Lieutenant Hawkeye?

Riza- Jean Havoc. Second Lieutenant. I saw you arguing with the new managers.

Havoc- Wanna go on a date, baby?

Riza- (arches eyebrow) No, The Phantom/Angel/Colonel who lives in my mirror won't like it if I go out with you. He might drop a chandelier on you.

Havoc- Great! See you in five minutes, babe! Skips out, humming 'Hey Micky'

(As Havoc (Who isn't very bright) skips joyfully away, Riza hears the disembodied voice of The Phantom/Angel/Colonel. He is not happy. Even though everyone calls him 'The Opera Colonel' or 'The Phantom/Angel/Colonel, his real name is Roy. For some odd reason, Roy is wearing a half-mask.)

Roy- How _dare_ that insolent creep! He tried to take my beloved Riza on a date! NO ONE TAKES RIZA AWAY FROM MEEEEEE! Curse that ignorant marshmallow face! I hope he rots among the sewer rats! I hope his hair falls out! I ought to cut out his tongue, shoot him, and then shoot the tongue! I hope Santa skips his house this Christmas! A thousand curses on him!!

Riza- You're one to talk.

Roy- Whatever.

Havoc- (From outside) Hello? Hey Riza, who is that in there?

Roy- gasp It's The Marshmallow Face! He's back for revenge! Quick Riza, into the mirror!

Havoc- What's going on in there!? Who is that!?

Roy- Quickly, Riza!! Succumb to me!

Havoc- ARE YOU IN THERE WITH SOME SORT OF VAMPIRE!?

Riza-(goes into mirror with Roy)

Havoc- Bursts into room just as Riza disappears into the mirror with Roy But…but I thought we really had something special, baby! (tear)

(After Roy coaxes Riza into the mirror, he leads her down a corridor lit with really creepy candelabras and candles. At the end of the corridor, she mounts a white horse and rides a few minutes on horseback. Then they board a yacht and sail for a few hours, and then they get on a plane and have a layover in the third cellar. They board a train and then ride in a taxi until they arrive at a gondola for the last leg of the journey. By this time, Roy and Riza have struck up an interesting conversation.)

Riza- Are we there yet?

Roy- No.

Riza- Are we there yet?

Roy- No.

Riza- Will we get there faster if I hold you at gunpoint for the rest of the trip?

Roy- …Yes.

(A few minutes later)

Riza- Can I drive?

Roy- No.

(The twosome finally arrive in Roy's secret lair. Here, there are many things that your typical Phantom/Angel/Colonel would have in their lair. A huge pipe organ, several charcoal sketches, a tiny replica of the Opera House with little miniature dolls of each employee. Riza notices that the one that resembles Jean Havoc has a screw sticking out of its forehead. There are also musical scores, _lots_ of candles, a large bed in the corner, several mirrors, a life-size mannequin of Riza wearing a tube top and miniskirt, and the same creepy, ugly monkey from the auction. Roy hops out of the gondola.)

Roy- Welcome to my lair! I've decorated it so lavishly because Martha Stewart says that candles are very stylish this season! Don't you love my candles? The ones near the organ are honeysuckle scented, the ones near the bed smell like cinnamon, and all the rest are lavender scented!

Riza- Nice.

Roy- points to mini opera house _This_ is my Opera Dollhouse of Crazy!

Riza- Intriguing. Why does Havoc have a screw in his head?

Roy- points to monkey And_ this_ is my incredibly horrid monkey music box!

Riza- That's the ugliest monkey I've ever seen.

Roy- lovingly hugs mannequin And _THIS_ is my beautiful mannequin of _you,_ dearest Riza! I put a tube top and miniskirt on it for added effect! Isn't it lovely?

Riza- Oh my. (faints)

Roy- Crap.

Horse- I think we all saw that one coming.

Roy- Shut up.

(Roy puts Riza in the bed surrounded by cinnamon scented candles. He goes to his organ and starts playing 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to pass the time. Several hours later, after Roy has played 'They're Coming to Take Me Away', 'The Oscar Meyer Song', and 'The Hamster Dance', Riza wakes up.)

Riza- Okay, I remember a _lot _of candles…

Candles- (flicker)

Riza- …An Opera Dollhouse of Crazy…

Opera Dollhouse of Crazy- 'Ello, Govna!

Riza- …And a _really _ugly monkey.

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

Roy- Mornin'.

(Riza walks up behind Roy, who is now playing 'Barbie Girl' on his organ. Riza eyes his mask suspiciously.)

Riza- I'm gonna take your mask off.

Roy- Okay.

Riza- Seriously, I'm peeling it off as we speak.

Roy- Ten-Four.

Riza- It's coming off right now.

Roy- Sure, whatever.

The Mask- (comes off)

Roy- AAARRGGHH! YOU LITTLE -bleeeeeeeep-!! YOU CREUL, COLD HEARTED -bleeeeep-!! YOU -bleeeeeep-, INSIGNIFICANT -bleeeeeeeeep-!! -bleeeeeeep- YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE?!

Riza- (blink) You know, it really isn't _that_ bad. I mean, once you get past the freaky eye and the visible skull-

Roy- AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Riza- (gives him back the mask) I changed my mind. You can keep it.

Roy- (puts mask back on) Come on. Those two numbskull brothers who run my theatre will be missing you.

(Roy takes Riza back to her dressing room. Meanwhile, in the foyer of the Opera House, Edward has received a note from The Phantom/Angel/Colonel. Roy is not happy with how Edward and Alphonse are running the theatre, and is particularly peeved with Havoc's relationship with Riza. Let's eavesdrop, shall we?)

Edward- Look at this! That stupid Phantom/Angel/Colonel demands too much! Twenty Thousand Francs a month!? _And_ a reserved seat for every performance!? Who does he think he is?! I'm gonna liquefy his brain with alchemy!

(Alphonse rushes in)

Alphonse- Brother! You've got one, too! brandishes note I found this in my hairnet this morning!

(Havoc rushes in)

Havoc- points at Edward YOU! You sent me this note, didn't you!? What is the meaning of this!? I demand to know!

Edward- I didn't send-

(Winry rushes in)

Winry- What the hell is _this?_ Who's been sending me prank letters!?

Alphonse- Wait a second. None of us sent these notes. Brother, what does yours' say?

Edward- Mine says, 'Bump up my cash!'

Alphonse- Mine says, 'Fire Winry!'

Havoc- Mine says, 'Keep your filthy mitts off Riza!'

Winry- Mine says, 'You suck, and so does the wrench!'

Edward- Oh, who cares what some stupid Phantom/Angel/Colonel thinks? Winry, you're gonna sing tonight.

Winry- Never! Georgie and I will not sing where we are not wanted.

Edward-…Wrenches can sing…?

Alphonse- Please Winry! (collapses at Winry's feet) We need you! You are our star!

Winry- Never!

Everyone but Winry- collapses at Winry's feet PLEEEEEASE?!

Edward- It's kinda dirty down here…

Armstrong- And I have arthritis!!

Winry- What time is the show!?

(That night, the stage is set for an opera. The Opera is called '_Ill Muto'_. It is about a countess in a very large pink dress who may or may not be having an affair with a mute guy named 'Serafimo', who may or may not be an actual guy. Winry is playing the countess. Riza is playing Serafimo. Roy is not happy about this casting arrangement.)

Winry- POOOooooOOOOoooOOR FOOooOOL, HE MAKES ME LAAAAUGH HARDY HARDY HAR HAR HAR!!

Roy's Disembodied Vioce- switches Winry's throat spritz I THOUGHT I SAID **"FIRE WINRY!!" **AND WHERE'S MY SPECAILLY RESERVED BOX!?

(Zoom to Manager's box)

Alphonse- Whoops…

Edward- Told ya so.

Alphonse- Shut up.

(Zoom back Onstage)

Winry- Where's my throat spritz? Ah, there it is. spritz spritz Hmm, it tastes a little different tonight, but- **CROOOOAAAAAKK!**

Roy's Disembodied Voice- TeeHee…

Winry- (sob)

Roy's Disembodied Voice - BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! BEHOLD! SHE IS SINGING TO BRING DOWN THE UN-BROKEN CHANDELIER OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Winry- (runs away)

(Zoom to Manager's Box)

Edward- Quick! Bring in the Dancing Sheep!

Alphonse- Dancers _and_ Sheep, you moron…

(Zoom Back Onstage)

Dancers- (prance)

Sheep- (baa)

Roy- Quick as a cat, sleek as a cat, I NOOSE THEE!!

Envy-(gasp) (choke) (dies)

Audience- AAAAAHHHH! IT'S A DEAD…

Edward- Is that a 'he', or a 'she'?

Alphonse- I…I don't know. Havoc?

Havoc- (shrugs)

Riza- Havoc! Havoc, to the roof! Now!

Havoc- (runs to roof with Riza)

(Havoc and Riza are now on the rooftop of the Opera House. You can see all of Paris from there, and there is a statue of the Greek god Apollo in a corner. Roy is hiding behind the statue.)

Riza- I saw him, Havoc! I saw The Phantom/Angel/Colonel! He showed me his scented candles and his Opera Dollhouse of Crazy! I saw the miniskirt mannequin and hideous monkey! I know why he hides beneath a mask!

Havoc- gasp What does he look like? Is it as awful as everyone says? Is it true that he has a gaping black hole where the nose should have been?

Riza- No. he accually has a terrible, awful, third-degree…SUNBURN!!

Havoc- (girly scream) I know! I'll keep you away from him forever and forever! Marry me, Riza?

(bobs eyebrows) Ya know ya wanna.

Riza- shrug Why not? Just never, under any circumstances, ever make a mannequin of me, 'kay?

Havoc- HOO-RAY!

(Havoc and Riza skip off arm-in-arm. Roy comes out from his hiding place. This is not easy, as he was squished between the statue and the wall.)

Roy- NOOOO! THAT MARSHMALLOW FACE STOLE MY RIZA! I'LL SHOW HIM! I'LL DROP A CHANDELEIR ON HIS UGLY HEAD!! (drops chandelier, which misses Havoc by an inch)

Roy- (sob)

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

Roy- Okay, you're just rubbing it in. (sniff)

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**To be continued...**

**Please review, Flames welcome.**


	2. Act II

**WARNING: This fic is rated 'R' for 'Retarded'. It includes extreme OOC-ness, crappy jokes, and overall general stupidity. You are bound to have lost numerous I.Q. pionts after reading this.**

**You have been warned!**

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**Six Months Later**

(The Opera House is hosting a Masquerade Ball to celebrate the New Year. All the Opera House staff is there, along with VIP guests. Everyone seems to be wearing a bizarre costume. Havoc is dressed as a Brigadier General, Riza is dressed as a Greek goddess, Edward is dressed as Napoleon Dynamite, Alphonse is dressed as a suit of armor (ironically), Armstrong is dressed as a Victoria's Secret model, Pinako is dressed as a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz, Rose is dressed as a Snowman, and Winry is dressed as Boobzilla.)

Edward- (raises glass) A toast! A toast to-

Winry- Wrenches!

Edward- No.

Alphonse- Hair Gel!

Edward- No.

Havoc- Havoc!

Everyone but Havoc- NO!

Riza- Look, Havoc! I've got the big, sparkly ring you gave me! I don't want Roy to know I'm engaged, so I'll hide it in my cleavage! No one ever looks there!!

Havoc- gazes at ring It's so…shiny.

(Roy decides to come to the party, fashionably late, as usual. He is dressed as Darth Vader. He draws from under his voice-altering helmet an opera manuscript entitled 'Roy Mustang Triumphant' and demands that it be performed. He then draws a lightsaber and begins to hurl insults at everybody. )

Roy- 'Evening everyone! Now, lessee… Havoc: Smoking Marshmallow Face. Edward: Shrimp. Alphonse: Clingy Hair-Obsessed Stalker. Pinako: Creepy Old Bat. Armstrong: Abnormally Large Softie. Rose: Nosy Brat. Winry: Mentally Insane Wrench-Lover. Oh, and while I'm at it…

(Roy goes up to Riza and rips off her big, sparkly engagement ring which was hidden in plain sight. Havoc sneaks up behind Roy while he is insulting people and attacks him with a lightsaber.)

Havoc- I KEEL YOU, VADER!!

Roy- No, Havoc! You can't kill me! I am your father!

Havoc- What!? That can't be! That's _impossible!_

Roy- Oh, my bad. I meant _Führer._

Havoc- (gasp) _Really?_

Roy- No.

(Roy sweeps his Vader cloak around himself and vanishes. Pinako goes up to Havoc.)

Pinako- Quick, come with me!

Havoc- Huh?

Pinako- Just come, you idiot!

(Havoc follows Pinako to her dormitory in the theatre. She sits down and gives him a cup of tea. And a coffee mug. And a cappuccino. And a Root Beer float. And a banana sundae.)

Pinako- Okay, I know this Phantom/Angel/Colonel. I knew him a long, long time ago.

Havoc- Was he your boyfriend?

Pinako- No, you ignorant simpleton! You see, I was at this carnival with the rest of the ballet rats. There was this Freak Show-

Havoc- Were you a spectator or were you _in_ the freak show?

Pinako- Shut up, foo.

Havoc- Wait a sec. If you knew this Phantom/Angel/Colonel a long, long time ago, then that means Roy is _OLD! HE'S AN OLDIE!_ That guy must have some major anti-wrinkle cream! Why didn't you borrow some? Heaven knows you could use a gallon or two.

Pinako- Why you-

Havoc- Hold on. This ancient perv is stalking my dearest Riza! On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blixen! Up, up, and away! (runs off)

Pinako- (calls after him) Keep your hand at the level of your pulsing anger vein!

(Riza decides to visit her father's grave. Although in FullMetal Alchemist, there is no mention of Riza's parents **(see note)**, this is the realm of fanfiction, where anything is possible. Riza is in a large cemetery, and a huge tombstone rests over her father's grave.)

Riza- (sniff) Life really sucks right now, daddy. (sob) I just thought that talking to a dead person might help a little bit… (tear)

(The tombstone suddenly lightens up, and a lot of mist and smoke comes from behind it. We hear Roy's voice from behind the tombstone (who seems to have followed Riza to the cemetery.) Riza is astounded.)

Roy- Howdy, Riza! It's nice to see that you've dumped that marshmallow face! He's a smoker, you know. Your house will smell very bad if you marry him.

Riza- _F-father!?_

(Havoc appears in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. He is wearing a red suit and a big, ugly hat. He is also wearing a fake beard.)

Havoc- NO, RIZA! HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER! HE'S AN ANCIENT, FACE- EXFOLIATING PERVERTED, DEFORMED PSYCHOPATH!!

Roy- Of course I'm her father! DADDY LOVES YOU, RIZA!!

Havoc- ...perv...!

Roy- (draws lightsaber) I SMITE THEE, FABIO!!

Havoc- No! I'm not Fabio, Alphonse is!

Roy- Oh.

(Awkward pause)

Roy- Should I smite him, then?

Havoc- Sure.

Alphonse FanGirls- NOOOOOOO!!

Roy- Alrighty, then. (goes off to smite Alphonse)

Alphose FanGirls- (beat up Roy)

(We are Edward and Alphonse's office. Fortunately, Alphonse has _not_ been keeled by Roy, simply because your Authoress is feeling merciful today. Heh. Heh. Heh. Havoc, Riza, Edward, Alphonse, Pinako, Winry (and George), Armstrong, and Rose are all in the office, trying to decide what to do about Roy and his opera, 'Roy Mustang Triumphant'.)

Edward- thumbing through manuscript Ludicrous! Have any of you _looked _at this thing? It's about a Colonel who becomes Führer and then marries a dead sexy Lieutenant! Pfft!

Alphonse- He wants you to play the lead role, Ms. Hawkeye.

Winry- But George wants _me_ to play the lead role!

Armstrong- Me, too!

Rose- But I wanna play the lead role! I wanna be something besides a background person, for once!

Riza- I'm surrounded by idiots.

Havoc- Hey! I've got an idea! Let's perform this opera, and when The Phantom/Angel/Colonel comes, we'll lock him in the auditorium! We'll get military folks to come to the show and shoot him when he makes an appearance!

(Stunned Silence)

Alphonse- Havoc, I always knew you were stupid, but that's the most outrageous plan I've ever had the misfortune to hear.

Edward- (Breathlessly) I think it's _brilliant._ Havoc, your genius is showing!

Havoc- (gasp) WHERE!?

(It is the opening night of 'Roy Mustang Triumphant'. Riza and Armstrong are cast in the lead roles. Havoc, Edward, and Alphonse are all in their reserved box, and lots of military folks are stationed everywhere, ready to fire when they see Roy, who is currently hidden backstage with a noose in hand.)

Armstrong- (Onstage) Fuery, you pretend to be me and I'll pretend to be you so that she will fall in love with me whom she thinks is you, and then she will be mine! (goes backstage)

Fuery- Whatever.

Roy- Oh, I love the smell of irony in the morning!

Armstrong- Evening.

Roy- Your presence is no longer required. I NOOSE THEE! leaps

Armstrong- (gasp) (choke) (dies)

(Riza skips onstage in a most un-Rizalike way)

Riza- (Singing) _No thoughts within her head at all._

_No dreams within her heart but dreams of the shopping mall! _

(Zoom in to Manager's Box)

Alphonse- raises eyebrow

Edward- What!? Roy wrote this for Christ's sake!

(Zoom back onstage)

(Roy comes onstage dressed as Zorro. Ironically, the term 'Zorro' is Spanish for 'Foxy'. Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake. It just means 'Fox'. But wouldn't it be cool and very ironic if it _did_ mean 'Foxy'?! Ahem. Back to the story.)

Roy- Well, howdy Riza!

Riza- Armstrong, why do you suspiciously resemble Roy in a frighteningly sexy way?

Roy- You see, I'm pretending to be Armstrong even though I am really Roy. You will think I am Armstrong and not Roy, who is playing Roy Mustang who is pretending to be Fuery.

Riza- So, let me get this straight. You're Roy, who is pretending to be Armstrong. Armstrong (who is really you) is playing Roy Mustang (who is also you) who is pretending to be Fuery. My character loves Fuery, who is pretending to be Roy Mustang. Armstrong is playing Roy Mustang, but he is pretending to be Fuery. You are Roy, but you are pretending to be Armstrong who is playing Roy who is pretending to be Fuery?

Roy- Huh? That really didn't make any-

Riza- **YOWZA!!**

(Riza successfully de-masks Roy. She rips his cute little Zorro mask right off his face. Roy is not very happy with this.)

Roy- AAAARRRGGGHHH!! YOU LITTLE -bleeeeeeeep-!! HOW DARE YOU!! YOU HELL-BOUND, WORTHLESS -bleeeeeeeeep-!! I WILL SMITE YOU, AND YOUR -bleeeeeep- BOYFRIEND!! YOU WILL PAY!!

Audience- (stare)

Edward- (eye twitch)

Alphonse- (cough)

Havoc- Was he talking about me?

Winry- OH MY GOD, HE'S SLIGHTLY UNATTRACTIVE ON ONE SIDE!!

Everyone- (screams) (run) (trip) (fall)

(Roy sweeps his swishy cloak around himself and Riza, and they vanish in a sparkly puff of smoke.)

Havoc- Oooh, sparkly… (gazes in wonder)

(Roy drags Riza to his lair. Again. This time, our dearest Roy is very, very peeved with Riza's cruel, callous unmasking. He forces her down into his icky sewer home, all the while shouting words that should never be repeated. Therefore, I will decline from posting them here to contaminate the minds of today's youth, whose minds are already contaminated enough.)

Roy- throws Riza violently on the floor

Riza- OW!

Roy- Don't speak. Your foul breath has no right to be in my precious home!

Riza- Oh, come on! It's not _that_ bad! I've seen far worse! You seriously need to get a life, and see a professional for your mental issues!

Roy- Hmph.

(Havoc suddenly appears behind the portcullis. 'Portcullis' is a fancy word for a sliding grate thingy. Havoc has followed Roy and Riza to the sewer, and he is very pissed. Partially because Roy kidnapped Riza from the stage, and partially because the water from the sewers put out his cigarette.)

Havoc- You! Get your filthy, rotten paws off Riza! She's mine! And get me another cigarette!

Riza- (scoffs) I don't belong to anyone, thank you. And you could really do without a cigarette. They make you smell really bad.

Havoc- (stare) But-but I put on extra axe this morning!

Riza/Roy- Eeeeewww…

Roy- Look at him, Riza! He smokes! He wears axe! He smells really bad! He's really stupid! You don't deserve this guy! Let help you make up your mind! (nooses Havoc)

Havoc- AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Roy- There! Make your choice, Riza! Choose me, and I'll let your fiancée go unharmed, but you will stay with me forever! Choose him, and I'll set you free, but your stupid boyfriend will die! Take your pick!

Riza- What?! I've gotta either live with you or kill Havoc?! That's really cruel!!

Roy- MOO HA HA!!

(Havoc manages to squirm out of the noose, much to Riza's delight and Roy's chagrin. Unfortunately, he has concocted another doomed-to-fail plan.)

Havoc- Now, I have an idea! There's no need for broken bones and blood and gore! Let's settle this like men!

Roy- That can only mean one thing…

Roy/Havoc- **DANCE OFF!! **

(Awkward Pause)

Riza- sigh It's gonna be a long, _long_ night.

(Roy goes to the stereo and switches it on. He flips a switch in the wall, and the lair transforms into a giant Disco Hall with flashing multi-colored lights, disco ball, bubble machine, and a glow-in-the-dark dancefloor. Roy and Havoc quickly change into white disco suits.)

Roy- HA HA!! Prepare to smell the rotten stench of defeat, you idiotic nicotine addict!!

Havoc- After you, you deformed, mental psychofreak!!

(Roy begins to dance. For a deformed, mental psychofreak, he is actually very good. We can only assume that he practices a lot in his secret Disco Hall. His song of choice is _"So Sexy"_. He has changed the lines to _"I'm too Sexy for my Mask",_ which causes all the Roy FanGirls out there to squeal, swoon, and toss panties on the stage.)

Roy FanGirls- **SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!! **

Roy- (gazes fondly at FanGirls) Your turn, Nicotine King.

(Havoc starts to dance. Or, at least, he _tries _to dance. He starts with _'Back in Time',_ (which is a really awesome song from the 80's) and then realizes that he's in 1870, and electric guitars haven't been invented yet. So he just does The Chicken Dance. Really badly.)

Havoc- (gasping and red-faced) Well? Who do you choose, Riza?

(Silence)

Roy- Well? Is it _him_ or me? The sexy Phantom/Angel/Colonel, or the smoking Chicken Dancer?

(Silence)

Havoc-Who do you choose? Me, the handsome rich guy, or _him_, the deformed, insane stalker?

(Silence)

Roy- I'm your teacher! Your mentor! Your devoted, caring instructor! The one who discovered and nurtured your talent!

Havoc- I'm your fiancée! Your lover! Your future husband! The one who will love you unconditionally in sickness and in health, until death do us part!

(Riza regains her composure and stands on top of the incredibly huge sound-system. She clears her throat and begins to speak. She sounds deathly serious.)

Riza- You're both PATHETIC! Why should I go with either of you?! Neither of you have an I.Q. over ten; you both have horrible taste in pretty much everything; and you're both incredibly conceited! Roy Mustang, Number One: You don't look that bad. Nothing a little facelift can't fix. Number Two: you live in a SEWER. For Christ's sake, go buy yourself a regular house or something. You are a stalker and a peeping tom, you read _'Martha Stewart_ _Magazine', _you own a dollhouse, you dress up as Darth Vader and Zorro in public, and the worst insult you can come up with is "Marshmallow Face". You really need to move out of this revolting sewer and get an actual life!!

(Echo)

Havoc- OOooh, buuuurn!

Riza- Shut up, Havoc, you're next!

Havoc- gulp

Riza- First of all, you _really_ need to quit smoking!

(Riza takes the cigarette out of his mouth and crushes it under her heel.)

Riza- Jean Havoc, you are so PITIFUL! You are not rich and handsome like everyone thinks! You are clingy and flaky, you come up with stupid plans with no chance of working, it's quite obvious that you dye your hair in the front, your intelligence has hit rock bottom and started to dig, you have an unhealthy obsession with anything shiny, you stalk me everywhere, you smell really bad, and then you wear axe which makes you smell even worse! You are the worst dancer the world has ever seen; you dress up like Santa Clause at the cemetery, you superglue a cigarette to you face, and you know the words to _"Hey, Ricky"_. Havoc, if that's not pitiful, well then, tell me what is!

(Echo)

Roy- TeeHee. You got told.

Havoc- (twitch)

Riza- And for the record-

Roy/Havoc- (cower)

Riza- DISCO IS **DEAD!!**

(Riza stomps promptly out of the Lair-turned-Disco Hall. She steps into the gondola and rows herself out, leaving Roy and Havoc in a daze, gazing open-mouthed after her. Neither of them moved or blinked for several minutes.)

Havoc- Well…This kinda sucks…

Roy- Ya think?

Havoc- So…we're like, bachelors now, aren't we?

Roy- Well, seeing as the girl of our dreams has just hurled awful insults at us both and rowed off in _my _boat, then yes, I'd say that we _are_ bachelors.

Havoc- Oh.

(Awkward Pause)

Havoc- Well, It's been nice knowin' ya. (dives into sewage water and swims to shore)

(To sum up our story, Riza never married. After the Roy incident, she remained single all her life, and proved that one could live happily without a spouse. She had a wonderful career as a theatre performer, and lived a long, happy life. After he got dumped by Riza, Havoc married the next best thing: Winry. Or so he thought. From his wedding day to his death, Havoc was never again seen without a wrench-shaped bruise on his forehead. He died of a head injury, and it was later discovered that he had a wrench-shaped hole in the back of his skull. Alphonse put his hair obsession to good use. He became a professional hairstylist and launched the _'Garnier'_ Shampoo line. Edward went off looking for Uranium Bombs, and then he got really into the 60's and no one ever saw him again. Pinako worked at The Opera Garnier until it closed, and she lived to a remarkable old age. She moved to London, changed her name to 'Rowling', and made a considerable amount of money off of some books she wrote. Unfortunately, Rose never played a lead role, and danced in the background her entire career. Roy never took Riza's advice to get a life. He remained in his lair until he died. His body was found in the Disco Hall, clad in a white disco suit and tap shoes. The cause of death was that he attempted to swing from the large disco ball, and it fell to the dancefloor, just like the chandelier. The Hideous Monkey remained in his possession until Havoc took it, just as he had taken Riza so many years before.)

Havoc- Mmph.

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

* * *

**Thanks. If you managed to get to the end without wetting yourself, congrats. I hope you didn't lose too many brain cells. Please reveiw, flames welcome.**

**Purrs,**

**Frenchie**

**Note: Although the 15th manga goes into detail about Riza's father, this fic was written before that manga came out. I realized my mistake, but liked the line so much that I decided not to change it. Sorry for any confusion this caused.**


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